adBlockCheck

Politics

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
End Of Section
  • More News

ExxonMobil, Chevron Locked In Bidding War To Acquire Lucrative Pennsylvania Senator

HARRISBURG, PA—With both sides increasing their initial offers for the prized asset, multinational energy companies ExxonMobil and Chevron Corporation are currently locked in a fierce bidding war to obtain a lucrative Pennsylvania senator, sources confirmed Monday. “This legislator represents an incredibly valuable commodity in the energy world, and both ExxonMobil and Chevron appear to be willing to pay whatever is necessary to acquire him,” said oil and gas industry analyst John Blakey of the ongoing, back-and-forth bidding process for U.S. Sen. Patrick Toomey (R-PA), noting that both of the politician’s potential owners are enthusiastic about the prospect of utilizing the treasured beltway resource for multiple terms. “Granted, securing such a highly profitable elected official won’t be cheap—it never is. Both of these companies know that if they are fortunate enough to gain possession of this senator, the acquisition will pay dividends for years to come.” At press time, sources confirmed that ExxonMobil and Chevron had entered talks with Pacific Gas and Electric, British Petroleum, Royal Dutch Shell, and Duke Energy to share claims in the senator for the foreseeable future.

More from this section

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close