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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Eyes Removed In Violent Yearbook Attack

EVANSVILLE, IN—An unidentified eraser-wielding vandal rubbed out the eyes of graduating senior Paulette Conreid in Erika Franklin's personal copy of "Transitions," the 1999 Evansville West High School yearbook, EWHS sources reported Monday. "I am so totally bumming," Franklin said. "Who would do something like that to Paulette? She's, like, the biggest sweetie I know." The primary suspect in the attack is Jenny Logan, who, as everyone in school knows, has a huge crush on Jeff Lowe, Conreid's boyfriend.

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