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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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F. Scott Fitzgerald Estate Wondering Why The Hell Ken Burns Hasn’t Come Knocking Yet

NEW YORK—Saying that the story of one of America’s greatest novelists was “just sitting there begging to be told,” representatives from the estate of F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald openly asked Thursday why the hell documentarian Ken Burns had not come knocking yet. “F. Scott Fitzgerald defined the Jazz Age era of excess and romance with his writing, so I think it’s fair to question why Ken Burns hasn’t shown his face anywhere near our robust archives,” said estate representative Phyllis Westberg, adding that the filmmaker would have so much access to the handwritten journals, original novel manuscripts, and historical photographs of F. Scott, Zelda, and fellow expatriates at the Café Montparnasse that he could “crank out a fucking amazing six-part miniseries event” in a single visit. “Maybe you call it The Lost Generation, and focus on him, Hemingway, and Faulkner rising to prominence together. Or you make it all about F. Scott himself, and really go into detail about his time at Princeton, the Hollywood years, his tragic decline into alcoholism. Christ, I just wrote the whole goddamn thing for that oblivious little twerp.” At press time, Westberg added that if Burns could find a way to do a documentary on Mark Twain, he sure as shit could make some time for the man who wrote The Great Gatsby.

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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