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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash

'You Don’t Want To Lose Your Confidence,' Agency Says

WASHINGTON—Claiming that such incidents can “really mess with your head if you’re not careful,” Federal Aviation Administration officials on Monday urged Lee Kang-kook, the Asiana Airlines pilot who crash-landed a commercial airliner at San Francisco International Airport last weekend, to get back out there and start flying again. “The more you dwell on this one crash, the more you’ll start second-guessing yourself, so the best thing to do right now is to just put last Saturday behind you, get back into the cockpit, and find your wings again, bud,” FAA head Michael Huerta told Kang-kook, stressing that for the sake of his confidence, right now would be “the absolute worst time to quit.” “You think every pilot is perfect at flying these Boeing 777s right away? You just have to accept that these crashes are part and parcel of the learning process and not let one bad landing get in your head. You’ll only get better with more practice. After all, how are you ever going to get better if you quit now, ya big goof?” Huerta added that it would be “a real shame” for Kang-kook to give up now, since he is still only 11 flights away from getting his license to fly 777 aircrafts.

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