adBlockCheck

FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash

'You Don’t Want To Lose Your Confidence,' Agency Says

WASHINGTON—Claiming that such incidents can “really mess with your head if you’re not careful,” Federal Aviation Administration officials on Monday urged Lee Kang-kook, the Asiana Airlines pilot who crash-landed a commercial airliner at San Francisco International Airport last weekend, to get back out there and start flying again. “The more you dwell on this one crash, the more you’ll start second-guessing yourself, so the best thing to do right now is to just put last Saturday behind you, get back into the cockpit, and find your wings again, bud,” FAA head Michael Huerta told Kang-kook, stressing that for the sake of his confidence, right now would be “the absolute worst time to quit.” “You think every pilot is perfect at flying these Boeing 777s right away? You just have to accept that these crashes are part and parcel of the learning process and not let one bad landing get in your head. You’ll only get better with more practice. After all, how are you ever going to get better if you quit now, ya big goof?” Huerta added that it would be “a real shame” for Kang-kook to give up now, since he is still only 11 flights away from getting his license to fly 777 aircrafts.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close