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President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst and is actually a giant fucking rip-off.

The 250-page report, which repeatedly calls the entire airline a goddamn scam, openly questions how in the hell Spirit is still in business if it sucks so fucking bad. In addition, the report confirms that the airplanes suck, the terminals suck, and the seats—which don’t even fucking recline—suck.

Nobody with any shred of dignity should ever fly Spirit Airlines, the report states.

“The FAA has come to the determination that Spirit Airlines treats its customers like pieces of shit and that everyone should boycott this airline,” the report read in part, adding that there are so many hidden fucking fees that it makes customers want to blow their brains out. “The airline touts its low fares, but it costs $45 to check your bag at the airport, and if you don’t check the bag when you get your ticket, it costs a mandatory $100 at the gate. So the flight could end up costing over $300 anyway.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding with this bullshit,” the report added.

According to FAA head Michael Huerta, the investigation was carried out during a single round-trip flight from Chicago to New York, and that’s really all the national aviation authority reportedly needed to come to the conclusion that Spirit sucks shit.

Calling the terminal a confusing hellhole of overlapping announcements where nobody knows what the hell is going on, Huerta said that the FAA is officially recommending people pay the extra $40 for a ticket on another airline, adding that the extra money is worth not being made to feel like you are getting jerked around at every goddamn turn.

Huerta told reporters that of course the air conditioning on his flight didn’t work and that the plane was delayed two fucking hours when every other airline was running on time.

“We found that one of the most patronizing fucking things Spirit does to its customers revolves around this one very small bin near the gate that says ‘Free,’” Huerta said. “Meaning that if your carry-on fits into this particular bin there is no charge to bring it on the plane. It is the opinion of this federal agency that Spirit shouldn’t tout that something is free as if they are doing everyone a fucking favor. First, it should be free to carry on a small bag. Second, the ‘Free’ sign pisses people off even more than they already are after a check-in process that makes zero sense and treats them like fucking cattle. And third, God forbid you try to bring a second small bag on the plane because, you guessed it, that’s another $50.”

“The FAA has also come to the conclusion that Spirit employees are fucking idiots,” Huerta added. “We noted that assumption might not be entirely fair, but we believe that since they know they are working for a company that is hell-bent on fucking people over, well, fuck them too, you know?”

Huerta said the FAA’s report ultimately won’t really matter, seeing as the people who run Spirit Airlines could probably give a flying fuck what anyone thinks.

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PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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