adBlockCheck

FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

Top Headlines

Business

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst and is actually a giant fucking rip-off.

The 250-page report, which repeatedly calls the entire airline a goddamn scam, openly questions how in the hell Spirit is still in business if it sucks so fucking bad. In addition, the report confirms that the airplanes suck, the terminals suck, and the seats—which don’t even fucking recline—suck.

Nobody with any shred of dignity should ever fly Spirit Airlines, the report states.

“The FAA has come to the determination that Spirit Airlines treats its customers like pieces of shit and that everyone should boycott this airline,” the report read in part, adding that there are so many hidden fucking fees that it makes customers want to blow their brains out. “The airline touts its low fares, but it costs $45 to check your bag at the airport, and if you don’t check the bag when you get your ticket, it costs a mandatory $100 at the gate. So the flight could end up costing over $300 anyway.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding with this bullshit,” the report added.

According to FAA head Michael Huerta, the investigation was carried out during a single round-trip flight from Chicago to New York, and that’s really all the national aviation authority reportedly needed to come to the conclusion that Spirit sucks shit.

Calling the terminal a confusing hellhole of overlapping announcements where nobody knows what the hell is going on, Huerta said that the FAA is officially recommending people pay the extra $40 for a ticket on another airline, adding that the extra money is worth not being made to feel like you are getting jerked around at every goddamn turn.

Huerta told reporters that of course the air conditioning on his flight didn’t work and that the plane was delayed two fucking hours when every other airline was running on time.

“We found that one of the most patronizing fucking things Spirit does to its customers revolves around this one very small bin near the gate that says ‘Free,’” Huerta said. “Meaning that if your carry-on fits into this particular bin there is no charge to bring it on the plane. It is the opinion of this federal agency that Spirit shouldn’t tout that something is free as if they are doing everyone a fucking favor. First, it should be free to carry on a small bag. Second, the ‘Free’ sign pisses people off even more than they already are after a check-in process that makes zero sense and treats them like fucking cattle. And third, God forbid you try to bring a second small bag on the plane because, you guessed it, that’s another $50.”

“The FAA has also come to the conclusion that Spirit employees are fucking idiots,” Huerta added. “We noted that assumption might not be entirely fair, but we believe that since they know they are working for a company that is hell-bent on fucking people over, well, fuck them too, you know?”

Huerta said the FAA’s report ultimately won’t really matter, seeing as the people who run Spirit Airlines could probably give a flying fuck what anyone thinks.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close