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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries

MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single onion ring among the french fries of unsuspecting customers, is believed to have recently resurfaced in this sleepy Illinois town, sources reported Monday. "That onion ring was such a pleasant surprise," said Burger King patron Richard Jameson, 37, who claimed that he caught a blue-and-yellow blur out of the corner of his eye, but before he could personally thank the mysterious figure, the "Employees Only" door was already closed. "If you're reading this, good sir, thank you." While none can predict when or at which Burger King franchise the beloved fry cook will strike next, he will not rest as long as his evil nemesis continues placing shriveled-up, nasty brown fries in people's orders.

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