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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries

MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single onion ring among the french fries of unsuspecting customers, is believed to have recently resurfaced in this sleepy Illinois town, sources reported Monday. "That onion ring was such a pleasant surprise," said Burger King patron Richard Jameson, 37, who claimed that he caught a blue-and-yellow blur out of the corner of his eye, but before he could personally thank the mysterious figure, the "Employees Only" door was already closed. "If you're reading this, good sir, thank you." While none can predict when or at which Burger King franchise the beloved fry cook will strike next, he will not rest as long as his evil nemesis continues placing shriveled-up, nasty brown fries in people's orders.

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