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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Face Of Jesus Seen On Miracle Hippie

EAST LANSING, MI—Throngs of Christians are flocking to East Lansing this week to witness what many are calling a modern miracle: the face of Jesus Christ, clearly visible on area hippie Bob Ellis. "In this hippie's face, God is sending us a clear message," said Gordon Watkins, 38, who made the pilgrimage from Cincinnati. "He is telling us that His son is returning soon." The image, which skeptics are dismissing as a simple trick of the light, has also been reported to cry tears of blood when vigorously punched about the eyes.

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