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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Face Of Jesus Seen On Miracle Hippie

EAST LANSING, MI—Throngs of Christians are flocking to East Lansing this week to witness what many are calling a modern miracle: the face of Jesus Christ, clearly visible on area hippie Bob Ellis. "In this hippie's face, God is sending us a clear message," said Gordon Watkins, 38, who made the pilgrimage from Cincinnati. "He is telling us that His son is returning soon." The image, which skeptics are dismissing as a simple trick of the light, has also been reported to cry tears of blood when vigorously punched about the eyes.

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