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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Face Of Jesus Seen On Miracle Hippie

EAST LANSING, MI—Throngs of Christians are flocking to East Lansing this week to witness what many are calling a modern miracle: the face of Jesus Christ, clearly visible on area hippie Bob Ellis. "In this hippie's face, God is sending us a clear message," said Gordon Watkins, 38, who made the pilgrimage from Cincinnati. "He is telling us that His son is returning soon." The image, which skeptics are dismissing as a simple trick of the light, has also been reported to cry tears of blood when vigorously punched about the eyes.

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