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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place. “Facebook is a great place to connect with friends and family, but frankly, if you’re on our site for 20 minutes or longer during the day and you’re reading the articles on here as your main connection to what’s actually happening in the world, then I’d say you’re a little mistaken about what this site is actually all about,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the platform was designed as a fun place for people to spend a few minutes of downtime once or twice a week and not as a tool for learning about major global events or societal issues. “People should mostly be using our site to say hello to old classmates and wish each other a happy birthday, or—if you’ve got a couple minutes to kill on a bus or you’re stuck waiting in a long line somewhere—there are some fun pictures to look at, but that’s really the limit. Just look at our name: ‘Facebook.’ That doesn’t sound much like a site for important social and political information or commentary, does it? I’m happy to show anyone how to get to a regular news site if you need a little help.” At press time, Zuckerberg was reminding users that reliable purveyors of news often contain words like “Tribune” or “Gazette” in their names and that it might be a good thing if, the next time they felt like returning to Facebook for a second or third time during a particular day, to visit one of these dedicated news sources instead.

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