adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place. “Facebook is a great place to connect with friends and family, but frankly, if you’re on our site for 20 minutes or longer during the day and you’re reading the articles on here as your main connection to what’s actually happening in the world, then I’d say you’re a little mistaken about what this site is actually all about,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the platform was designed as a fun place for people to spend a few minutes of downtime once or twice a week and not as a tool for learning about major global events or societal issues. “People should mostly be using our site to say hello to old classmates and wish each other a happy birthday, or—if you’ve got a couple minutes to kill on a bus or you’re stuck waiting in a long line somewhere—there are some fun pictures to look at, but that’s really the limit. Just look at our name: ‘Facebook.’ That doesn’t sound much like a site for important social and political information or commentary, does it? I’m happy to show anyone how to get to a regular news site if you need a little help.” At press time, Zuckerberg was reminding users that reliable purveyors of news often contain words like “Tribune” or “Gazette” in their names and that it might be a good thing if, the next time they felt like returning to Facebook for a second or third time during a particular day, to visit one of these dedicated news sources instead.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close