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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Facebook Friend Apparently Dead Now

KANSAS CITY, MO—While checking his news feed for updates on the 438 people in his extended network Monday night, Tom Allessandro, 24, noticed that Facebook friend David Bluvband has apparently died. "Huh, I guess he's dead now," said Allessandro, adding that it seemed like only yesterday when Bluvband, a former coworker of his ex-girlfriend, posted a link to the YouTube clip of "Chocolate Rain." "Boy. That's a shame. Just goes to show you that you really have to enjoy every SuperPoke like it's your last." After an appropriate two-minute mourning period spent reviewing Bluvband's tagged photos, Allessandro clicked "Attending" for an event entitled "Lost My Cell Phone! I Need Your Numbers!!@!."

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