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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Facebook Offers To Freeze Female Employees’ Newborn Children

MENLO PARK, CA—As part of their efforts to accommodate women who wish to delay parenthood, Facebook officials announced Wednesday that the company will offer financial assistance for female employees to freeze their newborn children. “We recognize the many challenges women face starting a family and balancing a career, which is why our company will provide extensive support to female employees who want to preserve their infant in a frozen state of suspended animation until they’re ready for child-rearing,” said Facebook spokesperson Mary Copperman, who added that the company would pay up to $20,000 for the cryopreservation procedure, which involves submerging a baby in a vat of supercooled liquid immediately after birth and storing the offspring in a specialized containment cylinder until the newborn is thawed. “Women deserve to have the option to postpone motherhood until they feel fully prepared, which is why Facebook will also cover the cryonic facility’s annual maintenance costs for as many years as our employees feel they need. And when the time comes, female employees can simply unfreeze their child and take advantage of our competitive four-month paid maternity leave.” Facebook also confirmed that the company would begin covering the costs of a procedure that involves freezing a female employee’s husband until he is emotionally prepared to be a father.

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