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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

The representation of the couple’s marriage on Facebook is rich, happy, and without trouble or doubt.
The representation of the couple’s marriage on Facebook is rich, happy, and without trouble or doubt.

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well.

Several of the Wheelers’ Facebook friends stated that the couple’s profile pictures and cover photos—in which the two are seen smiling side-by-side at a local street festival, dressed in coordinated Halloween costumes, and embracing in silhouette as their shadows stretch out across a beach—confirm that the digital version of their married life remains as enriching and vibrant as ever.

“Wow, Annie and Colin are really going strong,” said acquaintance Ellen Watney of the couple’s marriage as it appears online, pointing to a recent six-image photo album titled “Paninis in the park!” that showed how the Wheelers are always laughing, having fun, and playfully enjoying each other’s company. “It’s nice to see a married couple that is as close as they are and that truly loves spending time together.”

“They’re clearly having a blast,” added Watney of the social networking–based version of the Wheelers’ relationship, citing picture captions that included “watching the sunset together” and “<3”. “What can you say? They’re just so in love.”

Sources say photos such as this prove that the Wheelers’ Facebook marriage is stronger than ever.

Sources also noted that the Wheelers regularly post upbeat status updates featuring smiling emoticons in which they recount the restaurant meals they have shared, recap exciting weekend travels, or simply announce their plans for “a cozy night in together,” revealing that the two enjoy a deeply connected, emotionally fulfilling marital bond on Facebook.

Further reports indicated that the Wheelers’ romance was likewise alive and well in the Instagram iteration of their marriage. According to followers, a number of vintage-inspired photos of the couple on the Golden Gate Bridge and attending an outdoor concert demonstrated that, as far as their presence on the virtual photo-sharing network was concerned, the pair share an effortlessly enjoyable and enriching partnership that is never marred by tension, boredom, or irritation.

“Those two are always going out and having a ton of fun together,” said former college classmate Daniel Felix, confirming that the spark has never left the social media representation of the couple’s marriage. “A few weeks ago, Colin tweeted about the wineries he and Annie were visiting for their anniversary, and then just recently he posted a picture of them biking together. It all sounds so great. He and Annie apparently have something really special together.”

According to reports, the Wheelers’ children are also doing equally well in the internet versions of their lives. Sources confirmed that a set of photographs taken at a local carnival and recently posted to Annie Wheeler’s profile displayed how happy and well-adjusted the couple’s 5- and 7-year-old son and daughter are, with many of the pictures receiving dozens of likes and long strings of admiring comments.

“Oh my God, those kids are too cute,” said Facebook friend Janna Baldwin of Madeline and Jake Wheeler as she clicked through photos depicting the two beaming children, who, according to how they are portrayed on the social media site, do not get tired or moody, always treat their respective sibling with respect and love, and consistently behave themselves in both private and public. “Just look at Maddy sharing her cotton candy with Jake. And there’s another one of them falling asleep in the car. They’re so sweet.”

“You can tell Annie and Colin really raised them well,” Baldwin added of the electronic representation of the Wheeler family. “They’ve built such a warm, loving home.”

Several acquaintances also noted that Annie Wheeler is an extremely engaged and devoted mother on Pinterest. According to the images pinned to her “Family Meals” and “Crafting With My Kids” boards, Wheeler is a remarkable online version of a mom, possessing plenty of free time to cook intricate, visually appealing, and nutritious meals for her husband and children, while also having the patience to sit down with her kids after work and create a wide variety of elaborate and time-intensive arts and crafts projects.

“It’s really enviable how tight-knit the Wheeler family is,” said Facebook friend Chelsea Carmichael, basing her comments on a string of mobile photo uploads from a recent family vacation with Colin Wheeler’s parents, the entire span of which was evidently spent relaxing happily in each other’s company while swimming and grilling, and was not once tarnished by short tempers or strained periods of silence. “I love looking at their pictures. They just have such a wonderful time together.”

“They’re so happy, and their marriage will truly stand the test of time,” the friend continued of the version of the Wheelers’ lives that appears on her news feed. “Facebook proves that definitively.”

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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