Facebook: ‘We Will Make Our Product Worse, You Will Be Upset, And Then You Will Live With It’

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Vol 49 Issue 28

Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss

A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, card...

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of p...
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Facebook: ‘We Will Make Our Product Worse, You Will Be Upset, And Then You Will Live With It’

MENLO PARK, CA—In a statement released to its 1.1 billion users, social media site Facebook announced Wednesday that the company will continue to make bad changes to its product, that members will be very upset with these changes, and that said members will then just have to learn to live with these changes. “Here’s what’s going to happen: Facebook will introduce a bunch of new features to the site that everyone will hate and that will make your experience worse, you will complain about it, and then you will realize you are utterly powerless to do anything about these new features, at which point you will move on and continue to use our product every single day,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters, adding that users will voice their dissatisfaction via a post or two on their timelines and then gradually let it go and return to using the site as usual, because “that’s the way this is gonna go.” “This exact same scenario will repeat itself six months from now, and then a year from now, and then a year and a half from now, and so on and so forth, that’s the deal, get used to it, talk to you later.” Facebook officials added that any users who strongly disagree with their policy should feel free to deactivate their accounts and reactivate them two days later.

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