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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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FactZone's Five Most Touching Moments

On FactZone's fifth anniversary, we look back at a few of the shows most touching moments:

5. Miracle On The Hudson: While reporting on the incredible landing of a U.S. Airways passenger plane on the Hudson river in January 2009, reporter John Harris shed actual tears while imagining the awesome fiery plane crash that could have been.

4. Fort Hood Shooting: While interviewing a grieving woman whose husband and father of their three children had just been murdered in cold blood, FactZone host Brooke Alvarez let a momentary glimmer of human sympathy to flash in her eyes.

3. One day after the tragic death of hiker Rebecca Walton, Shelby Cross interviews the bear accused of killing her, bringing it to tears.

2. Dr. Chris Sartinsky Performs Surgery On Child In Aftermath Of Haiti Earthquake: As the cameras rolled, Onion News Network medical correspondent Dr. Sartinsky performed emergency surgery on a Hatian child he had just run over with his van.

1. Tucker Hope's Emotional Moment: In the middle of delivering a 2010 report on rising farm subsides, FactZone co-host Tucker Hope inexplicably began screaming “noooo, make it stop” uncontrollably and was unable to regain his composure for the remainder of the broadcast.

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