Fairy-Princess Ranks Depleting As Girls Aspire To Be Doctors, Lawyers

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 13

Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday. "We found that viewers responded better to footage of flood-ravaged Texans and the mutilated bodies of ethnic Albanians when accompanied by canned laughter," network president Allen Rudd said. "This really seems to help viewers better digest and enjoy the oft-difficult content." Depending on the success of the experiment, titillating whoops and "whoahs" will be added to stories concerning the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the report, which appeared in the newspaper's "Lifestyle" section. The story went on to note that Lou Rawls, Penny Marshall, Kate Jackson and Bruce Jenner also had birthdays Monday. Times-Union editor Pat Krause refused to reveal his newspaper's source for the story.

Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree" song. "Bill and Monica / Sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Starr sang to reporters at a Washington Hilton press conference. "First comes love / Then comes marriage / Then comes Bill with the baby carriage." Upon completion of the song's first verse, Starr abruptly ended the press conference. Spokespersons for Starr said he has not ruled out the possibility of singing the "wetting his pants / hula-hula dance" verse–widely considered the most devastating of the entire song–at a later date.

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fairy-Princess Ranks Depleting As Girls Aspire To Be Doctors, Lawyers

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a Bureau Of Labor Statistics report released Tuesday, the number of fairy princesses in the U.S. now stands at an all-time low.

Princess Zephyr discusses the discouraging findings of a new Bureau Of Labor Statistics report.

"Just two generations ago, nearly every girl in America aspired to be a fairy princess when she grew up," BLS director Katharine Abraham said. "Today, a majority of little girls will tell you they dream of entering the professional ranks and becoming doctors, lawyers, scientists and architects. The effect this has had on the field of fairy princessing has been nothing short of devastating."

The BLS study found that there are fewer than 8,500 registered fairy princesses in the U.S., down from 350,000 in 1955.

The report has sparked deep concern among members of the fairy-princess community, who fear that future generations will not carry on their trade.

"Today's little girls want to perform icky surgery or go to court and argue before mean old Mr. Judge," said Princess Merrie Flowershower, butterfly-winged ruler of the Kingdom of Pussywillow. "In 10 years, who will there be to pick talking daisies in the enchanted meadow or ride in the clouds on the magic flying pony Runnymede?"

"I am too dainty and pretty to represent clients in protracted civil suits in federal court," said Princess Zephyr, who lives in the Kingdom of Fluffy Clouds. "Why would any girl want to do that when she could live in Cumulus Castle and enjoy a sunbeam bath from her best friend Mr. Sun?"

In an attempt to generate interest in fairy princessing among young girls, the American Association of Fairy Princesses is launching an aggressive $55 million promotional campaign. The publicity blitz will include billboards, posters, and TV and radio spots, as well as recruitment tables at job fairs across the U.S.

"We realize that this is not the sort of problem we can wave a magic wand at and make disappear," Princess Polly Rainbow Sprinkle said. "Believe me, we've tried. The fact is, we've been fighting some deeply rooted misconceptions. For example, a lot of little girls think that all fairy princesses wear pink daisy petals for clothes. The reality is, many of us wear little gowns of gossamer, with tiaras made of beads of dew."

"The fairy-princess field is an extremely varied and rewarding one," AAFP director Princess Moondancer said. "As a fairy princess, you'll have the opportunity to do everything from sprinkling pixie dust on an enchanted apricot glade to undoing the spell of an evil queen and turning a toad back into a handsome prince. What other job can offer those kinds of satisfying challenges on a daily basis? Being a magical fairy princess is a great way for girls to really let their full potential shine through."

But despite such arguments, little girls show little interest in the once-thriving fairy-princess field.

"When I grow up, I want to be a U.N. interpreter," said 7-year-old Ashley Pfeiffer of Lodi, NJ. "Fairy princesses are stupid."

"I got a Princess Prettypetals make-up kit for my birthday, and I hate it," said Caitlin Muller, 9, of Columbus, GA. "Everything was pink, and it smelled like stinky perfume. I'd rather play with my Invisible Woman anatomy doll. You can actually see her entire digestive tract and circulatory system."

Fairy princessing is not the only field to fall on hard times in recent years. According to the BLS report, occupations such as swan queen, enchanted ballerina, good witch and beauty-pageant winner have all experienced sharp declines in popularity, as well.

"One thing is for certain," Princess Moondancer said. "If America's girls continue to ignore the fairy-princess profession, very few of us will be living happily ever after."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More