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Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch

NEW YORK—In the aftermath of the Tour de France doping scandal, the failed drug tests of sprinters Marion Jones and Justin Gatlin, and the near-constant scrutiny of suspected steroid user Barry Bonds, the sporting community's fabricated attitude of anger and resentment toward athletes who are caught using performance-enhancing drugs has reached an all-time high. "This is absolutely ridiculous… Don't these players know that they are not only disappointing their rabid, blindly worshipful audience, but they are running the risk of ruining their sport in the name of even more widely publicized achievement?" said Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly, whose mild stirrings of actual annoyance concerning the steroid issue turned into towering fake fury over six months ago. "Is doing anything you can to succeed, even acting under false pretenses in order to pander to what you think your audience wants, the example we want to set for our children?" Reilly then felt obligated to pretend to be upset about the lax drug policies in all the major sports including the Olympics.

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