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Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch

NEW YORK—In the aftermath of the Tour de France doping scandal, the failed drug tests of sprinters Marion Jones and Justin Gatlin, and the near-constant scrutiny of suspected steroid user Barry Bonds, the sporting community's fabricated attitude of anger and resentment toward athletes who are caught using performance-enhancing drugs has reached an all-time high. "This is absolutely ridiculous… Don't these players know that they are not only disappointing their rabid, blindly worshipful audience, but they are running the risk of ruining their sport in the name of even more widely publicized achievement?" said Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly, whose mild stirrings of actual annoyance concerning the steroid issue turned into towering fake fury over six months ago. "Is doing anything you can to succeed, even acting under false pretenses in order to pander to what you think your audience wants, the example we want to set for our children?" Reilly then felt obligated to pretend to be upset about the lax drug policies in all the major sports including the Olympics.

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