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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch

NEW YORK—In the aftermath of the Tour de France doping scandal, the failed drug tests of sprinters Marion Jones and Justin Gatlin, and the near-constant scrutiny of suspected steroid user Barry Bonds, the sporting community's fabricated attitude of anger and resentment toward athletes who are caught using performance-enhancing drugs has reached an all-time high. "This is absolutely ridiculous… Don't these players know that they are not only disappointing their rabid, blindly worshipful audience, but they are running the risk of ruining their sport in the name of even more widely publicized achievement?" said Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly, whose mild stirrings of actual annoyance concerning the steroid issue turned into towering fake fury over six months ago. "Is doing anything you can to succeed, even acting under false pretenses in order to pander to what you think your audience wants, the example we want to set for our children?" Reilly then felt obligated to pretend to be upset about the lax drug policies in all the major sports including the Olympics.

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