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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Falcons Starting To See Why No One Believed In Them

ATLANTA—Following their disappointing 28-24 defeat to the 49ers in the NFC Championship Game, members of the Atlanta Falcons confirmed Tuesday that the team is beginning to understand why nobody in the country believed in them this season. “At first I thought everyone was just bitter about our number one seed, but after blowing a 17-point lead at home to lose the game, now I see why people never stopped doubting us,” said Falcons wide receiver Roddy White, adding that with a 1-4 record in the playoffs since 2008, “it totally makes sense” not to take the team seriously as a postseason threat. “I guess when you think about it, we’re basically just an above-average team that always falls apart during the playoffs, so it’s no wonder everyone kept saying we wouldn’t even reach the Super Bowl, let alone win it. And they were right.” White also confirmed that after a second-half interception and a costly fumbled snap, the entire Falcons organization now realizes why the entire country has always insisted that Matt Ryan is not an elite quarterback.

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