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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Falcons Starting To See Why No One Believed In Them

ATLANTA—Following their disappointing 28-24 defeat to the 49ers in the NFC Championship Game, members of the Atlanta Falcons confirmed Tuesday that the team is beginning to understand why nobody in the country believed in them this season. “At first I thought everyone was just bitter about our number one seed, but after blowing a 17-point lead at home to lose the game, now I see why people never stopped doubting us,” said Falcons wide receiver Roddy White, adding that with a 1-4 record in the playoffs since 2008, “it totally makes sense” not to take the team seriously as a postseason threat. “I guess when you think about it, we’re basically just an above-average team that always falls apart during the playoffs, so it’s no wonder everyone kept saying we wouldn’t even reach the Super Bowl, let alone win it. And they were right.” White also confirmed that after a second-half interception and a costly fumbled snap, the entire Falcons organization now realizes why the entire country has always insisted that Matt Ryan is not an elite quarterback.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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