adBlockCheck

Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job

D’Abarno, who just couldn’t have been worse at his job.
D’Abarno, who just couldn’t have been worse at his job.

LENEXA, KS—Hundreds gathered for a somber memorial service Thursday in honor of Stuart D’Abarno, 31, a firefighter killed in a residential blaze whom colleagues remember as an incompetent waste of space who couldn’t fight fire for shit.

According to the Lenexa Fire Department, D’Abarno responded to a routine one-alarm house fire on Chestnut St. at approximately 1 a.m. Sunday night, suffered third-degree burns, and died of smoke inhalation after running into an inflamed second-floor bathroom in his trademark idiotic fashion, forgetting his required turnout gear and hose line, as per usual.

Sources confirmed that D’Abarno, who leaves behind a widow, Julissa, 28, and two small girls, died needlessly and moronically.

“Today we mourn the loss of a loving family man, a committed firefighter, and the most incompetent halfwit you could ever meet,” said Department Chief Bruce Morelis, fondly recalling his fallen colleague who devoted eight useless years to the department, which he reportedly imperiled on a daily basis by simply showing up to work. “Frankly, I’m still in a state of shock that such a good friend is gone and didn’t die sooner.”

“Stu’s fellow firefighters will always remember him as a considerate and generous moron who nearly died during our training drills, for God’s sake,” added Morelis. “It’s truly a tragedy, though hardly a surprise, that the wonderful dope is no longer with us.”

The fire chief announced that all flags in the community would be flown at half-mast for two weeks after the memorial service, celebrating the inept dolt known for attempting to ride in elevators to quickly reach higher floors of burning buildings.

Leading the mourners through highlights of the fallen firefighter’s career, Morelis wistfully reminisced about the unforgettable times when D’Abarno badly burned his hands on hot door knobs, knocked over ladders while carelessly backing up the truck, and was frequently rescued from grease fires he started in the firehouse kitchen.

“When I think of Stuart D’Abarno, I think of a man absolutely devoted to fighting fires incorrectly,” said division leader Fred Kessler, 38, who wiped away tears while speaking about the fallen fighter’s asinine mistakes. “Stu was always the first one to run into a burning building and run out on fire 15 seconds later.”

D’Abarno’s grieving widow, who told reporters she was touched by the outpouring of support, was reportedly overwhelmed with emotion while listening to firefighters share stories about her husband’s myriad fuckups.

“Stuart may no longer be here, but he will live on forever in our hearts as a loving husband, dedicated father, and an absolutely terrible firefighter who was not very good at what he did,” said Julissa D’Abarno. “He won’t be forgotten anytime soon. I just know that not a day will go by that I don’t think about my husband, the bungling, frankly humiliating dummy who risked the lives of everyone he worked with.”

The fire department also unveiled a commemorative plaque honoring D’Abarno, who was reportedly responsible for over $12 million in damage to public property, injuries to numerous firefighters, and the deaths of two citizens.

At press time, sources confirm that D’Abarno had addressed his last five life insurance payments incorrectly, inadvertently allowing his policy to lapse, failing to provide for the needs of his family.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close