adBlockCheck

Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job

D’Abarno, who just couldn’t have been worse at his job.
D’Abarno, who just couldn’t have been worse at his job.

LENEXA, KS—Hundreds gathered for a somber memorial service Thursday in honor of Stuart D’Abarno, 31, a firefighter killed in a residential blaze whom colleagues remember as an incompetent waste of space who couldn’t fight fire for shit.

According to the Lenexa Fire Department, D’Abarno responded to a routine one-alarm house fire on Chestnut St. at approximately 1 a.m. Sunday night, suffered third-degree burns, and died of smoke inhalation after running into an inflamed second-floor bathroom in his trademark idiotic fashion, forgetting his required turnout gear and hose line, as per usual.

Sources confirmed that D’Abarno, who leaves behind a widow, Julissa, 28, and two small girls, died needlessly and moronically.

“Today we mourn the loss of a loving family man, a committed firefighter, and the most incompetent halfwit you could ever meet,” said Department Chief Bruce Morelis, fondly recalling his fallen colleague who devoted eight useless years to the department, which he reportedly imperiled on a daily basis by simply showing up to work. “Frankly, I’m still in a state of shock that such a good friend is gone and didn’t die sooner.”

“Stu’s fellow firefighters will always remember him as a considerate and generous moron who nearly died during our training drills, for God’s sake,” added Morelis. “It’s truly a tragedy, though hardly a surprise, that the wonderful dope is no longer with us.”

The fire chief announced that all flags in the community would be flown at half-mast for two weeks after the memorial service, celebrating the inept dolt known for attempting to ride in elevators to quickly reach higher floors of burning buildings.

Leading the mourners through highlights of the fallen firefighter’s career, Morelis wistfully reminisced about the unforgettable times when D’Abarno badly burned his hands on hot door knobs, knocked over ladders while carelessly backing up the truck, and was frequently rescued from grease fires he started in the firehouse kitchen.

“When I think of Stuart D’Abarno, I think of a man absolutely devoted to fighting fires incorrectly,” said division leader Fred Kessler, 38, who wiped away tears while speaking about the fallen fighter’s asinine mistakes. “Stu was always the first one to run into a burning building and run out on fire 15 seconds later.”

D’Abarno’s grieving widow, who told reporters she was touched by the outpouring of support, was reportedly overwhelmed with emotion while listening to firefighters share stories about her husband’s myriad fuckups.

“Stuart may no longer be here, but he will live on forever in our hearts as a loving husband, dedicated father, and an absolutely terrible firefighter who was not very good at what he did,” said Julissa D’Abarno. “He won’t be forgotten anytime soon. I just know that not a day will go by that I don’t think about my husband, the bungling, frankly humiliating dummy who risked the lives of everyone he worked with.”

The fire department also unveiled a commemorative plaque honoring D’Abarno, who was reportedly responsible for over $12 million in damage to public property, injuries to numerous firefighters, and the deaths of two citizens.

At press time, sources confirm that D’Abarno had addressed his last five life insurance payments incorrectly, inadvertently allowing his policy to lapse, failing to provide for the needs of his family.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close