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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Families Of 9/11 Victims: Heat Losing 3 In A Row Would Be Much Worse Than World Trade Center Attacks

NEW YORK—Following Dwyane Wade's controversial remarks likening the fall of the World Trade Center towers to his team having a losing streak, several families of 9/11 victims announced their support for Wade, saying that three consecutive regular-season losses by the Heat would in fact be at least as tragic as the largest terrorist attack on American soil. "I can say without fear of contradiction that even a single loss by this very talented Miami team would make the Oklahoma City bombing pale in comparison," Staten Island's Kent Norris told reporters Wednesday, noting that he lost his daughter and son-in-law on 9/11. "Three losses in a row from a team that has LeBron, Bosh, and Wade? America would never truly recover from that." Norris also received support from the Jewish Anti-Defamation League after claiming that Miami failing to win at least five titles during LeBron's tenure would be "worse than 10 holocausts."

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