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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Family At Beach Apparently Brought, Set Up Own Volleyball Net

EAST ORLEANS, MA—Noting that they evidently found it to be a worthwhile and necessary item to take with them, reports confirmed Wednesday that a family at Nauset Beach brought and set up their own volleyball net. “It looks like these people were willing to pack up this big cardboard box of metal poles, lug it all the way from where they parked, and then walk all the way down the beach to find a spot large enough to fit an entire court,” said local beachgoer Josh Ramsey, adding that the family spent roughly 30 minutes unfurling the tangled net, assembling the poles, and anchoring support ropes into the sand. “There are only five of them, so they probably could have had just as much fun hitting a volleyball around while standing in a circle. Besides, who buys a volleyball net? Do they really play volleyball enough to need their own net?” At press time, the family had played volleyball for roughly 20 minutes before abandoning the game entirely and heading into the water.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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