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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage

TULSA, OK—Just days after learning that the 8-year-old had thankfully moved on from a website compiling all professional baseball statistics since 1871, the local McKinsdale family reportedly braced themselves as autistic son Brendan discovered Amtrak.com’s “Track a Train” page. “Oh, God, he’s going to be on there for hours and hours at a time,” said mother Barbara McKinsdale, wincing upon learning that the site has an interactive graphic, which provides maps, timetables, and real-time, 24-hour updates on the progress of more than 300 trains traversing some 21,300 miles of track. “All we can do now is prepare ourselves to hear about how the 8:03 from Penn Station to Chicago is running 14 minutes late, or how the local train from Washington to Philadelphia is $59.36 cheaper than the express, but takes an extra 27 minutes to arrive. This is going to be rough.” Household sources later confirmed that Brendan had just spent the past half hour zoomed in on Milwaukee and hitting his browser’s refresh button every three seconds.

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