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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage

TULSA, OK—Just days after learning that the 8-year-old had thankfully moved on from a website compiling all professional baseball statistics since 1871, the local McKinsdale family reportedly braced themselves as autistic son Brendan discovered Amtrak.com’s “Track a Train” page. “Oh, God, he’s going to be on there for hours and hours at a time,” said mother Barbara McKinsdale, wincing upon learning that the site has an interactive graphic, which provides maps, timetables, and real-time, 24-hour updates on the progress of more than 300 trains traversing some 21,300 miles of track. “All we can do now is prepare ourselves to hear about how the 8:03 from Penn Station to Chicago is running 14 minutes late, or how the local train from Washington to Philadelphia is $59.36 cheaper than the express, but takes an extra 27 minutes to arrive. This is going to be rough.” Household sources later confirmed that Brendan had just spent the past half hour zoomed in on Milwaukee and hitting his browser’s refresh button every three seconds.

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