adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage

TULSA, OK—Just days after learning that the 8-year-old had thankfully moved on from a website compiling all professional baseball statistics since 1871, the local McKinsdale family reportedly braced themselves as autistic son Brendan discovered Amtrak.com’s “Track a Train” page. “Oh, God, he’s going to be on there for hours and hours at a time,” said mother Barbara McKinsdale, wincing upon learning that the site has an interactive graphic, which provides maps, timetables, and real-time, 24-hour updates on the progress of more than 300 trains traversing some 21,300 miles of track. “All we can do now is prepare ourselves to hear about how the 8:03 from Penn Station to Chicago is running 14 minutes late, or how the local train from Washington to Philadelphia is $59.36 cheaper than the express, but takes an extra 27 minutes to arrive. This is going to be rough.” Household sources later confirmed that Brendan had just spent the past half hour zoomed in on Milwaukee and hitting his browser’s refresh button every three seconds.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close