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Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

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BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage

TULSA, OK—Just days after learning that the 8-year-old had thankfully moved on from a website compiling all professional baseball statistics since 1871, the local McKinsdale family reportedly braced themselves as autistic son Brendan discovered Amtrak.com’s “Track a Train” page. “Oh, God, he’s going to be on there for hours and hours at a time,” said mother Barbara McKinsdale, wincing upon learning that the site has an interactive graphic, which provides maps, timetables, and real-time, 24-hour updates on the progress of more than 300 trains traversing some 21,300 miles of track. “All we can do now is prepare ourselves to hear about how the 8:03 from Penn Station to Chicago is running 14 minutes late, or how the local train from Washington to Philadelphia is $59.36 cheaper than the express, but takes an extra 27 minutes to arrive. This is going to be rough.” Household sources later confirmed that Brendan had just spent the past half hour zoomed in on Milwaukee and hitting his browser’s refresh button every three seconds.

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