adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Comes First, Reports Man Trying To Get Out Of Work

EDINA, MN—Frank Noller, married father of two and advertising copywriter for Harton & North, extolled the virtues of family and parental responsibility in an attempt to leave the office 45 minutes early Monday. "My [14-year-old] son's got a bad cough," Noller told his boss before leaving, sighing unhappily as if he would have preferred to remain at work and do his job. "Gotta keep your priorities straight." Upon arriving home, Noller informed his wife that he would not be able to attend his daughter's gymnastics recital because he was "swamped with work."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close