adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Comes First, Reports Man Trying To Get Out Of Work

EDINA, MN—Frank Noller, married father of two and advertising copywriter for Harton & North, extolled the virtues of family and parental responsibility in an attempt to leave the office 45 minutes early Monday. "My [14-year-old] son's got a bad cough," Noller told his boss before leaving, sighing unhappily as if he would have preferred to remain at work and do his job. "Gotta keep your priorities straight." Upon arriving home, Noller informed his wife that he would not be able to attend his daughter's gymnastics recital because he was "swamped with work."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close