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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode

ROANOKE, VA—The Stashwick family of Roanoke was "alarmed and saddened" to see a beloved-but-aging TV program suffer yet another terrible episode Tuesday night. "It's devastating to watch it deteriorate like this," said wife and mother Janice Stashwick, shaking her head at the gradual breakdown of the show, which she claimed used to be "so smart" and "with it." "Not only does it barely make any sense these days, but most of the time it just tells the same old story over and over again. This has been a really bad year." Family patriarch and longtime viewer Arnold Stashwick agreed, saying that it's painful to watch the show fall apart like this, and that if it were up to him he would just pull the plug on it.

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