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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode

ROANOKE, VA—The Stashwick family of Roanoke was "alarmed and saddened" to see a beloved-but-aging TV program suffer yet another terrible episode Tuesday night. "It's devastating to watch it deteriorate like this," said wife and mother Janice Stashwick, shaking her head at the gradual breakdown of the show, which she claimed used to be "so smart" and "with it." "Not only does it barely make any sense these days, but most of the time it just tells the same old story over and over again. This has been a really bad year." Family patriarch and longtime viewer Arnold Stashwick agreed, saying that it's painful to watch the show fall apart like this, and that if it were up to him he would just pull the plug on it.

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