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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died

SAN ANGELO, TX—The parents and siblings of Cris Aulter, 25, expressed deep shame and embarrassment Tuesday over his accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation. "I cannot express how deeply mortified I am," said John Aulter, 52, the boy's father. "I mean, where in the world did Cris get the idea to suffocate himself while jerking off? How will I ever show my face around the office again?" Aulter said he plans to tell friends and coworkers that his son was hit by a car.

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