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Family Enjoys Winter Wonderland in Own Home

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Family Enjoys Winter Wonderland in Own Home

Chicago’s Randall Clan has not had heat since early November

This holiday season, families everywhere will gather to enjoy the magical traditions of winter: cross country skiing on a snowy dale, singing Christmas carols door to door, and building a fat, jolly snowman with Jack Frost nipping at their noses. But while most families will need to venture into the great outdoors to sample such holiday glee, one lucky family will enjoy the spirit of the season without going anywhere. For the Randall family of Chicago, a winter wonderland awaits right in their own home!

Ever since being laid off at the rendering plant, Dwayne Randall and family have had a bit of a tough time making ends meet. First, their car was repossessed and the telephone was shut off. Then, thanks to the family’s inabilty to pay several months back bills to Chicago Gas and Electric, the Randalls’ heat was turned off, and the tiny rented flat they occupy became an icy playground of holiday delight!

“Please...” a shivering and blue Dwayne Randall, 41, told reporters. “Must... have... heat.”

He then wrapped his arms around his son and began patting and rubbing his convulsing torso, giving him the biggest Christmas hug a young boy could ever want.

Though times are tough, isn’t overcoming life’s adversity with good cheer and uplifted spirits just exactly what the holidays are really all about? Mother Ellen Randall, desperately melting water over a tiny, generator-powered hotplate, certainly seems to think so. The charitable enthusiasm with which she vainly attempts to treat her young child’s severe hypothermia is an example to us all that the true warmth of Christmas comes not from any gas company, but from our hearts.

Its ceiling aglow with the tinkling of icicles, the kitchen is a child’s fantasy of a wintry igloo for one of Santa’s playful elves. The toilet, frozen solid by the subzero temperatures, may not be fit for use now that the pipes have burst, but it brings to mind the domain of the jolly Mr. Snow, Emperor of Winterland from the charming children’s book we all know and love.

Yet, even in times of holiday happiness, all is not well. Collapsing into a coma, little Paul Randall, 6, turns a seasonal shade of blue, and it seems he has stopped breathing. Witnessing the sadness in the eyes of his loved ones, one is reminded of the touching scene in Frosty the Snowman, in which plucky Frosty melts away, leaving his friends lonely and sad at his passing.

A tear rolls down our numbed cheeks. But alas! A spasm racks the boy’s frail frame! It as if Frosty’s magic hat has once again restorted him to life! All around the frozen apartment, there is once again a sense of joy and happiness, as the sputtering, coughing boy begins to move and stands once again.

“I beg you, Mr. Reporter,” he says, eyes wide with innocence. “Some food... I need food...”

Don’t you worry, Paul. There’ll be plenty of cookies come Christmas Eve! And even if there won’t be, it’s obvious that the Randalls’ holiday spirit will “weather” just about any storm.

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