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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Family Enjoys Winter Wonderland in Own Home

Chicago’s Randall Clan has not had heat since early November

This holiday season, families everywhere will gather to enjoy the magical traditions of winter: cross country skiing on a snowy dale, singing Christmas carols door to door, and building a fat, jolly snowman with Jack Frost nipping at their noses. But while most families will need to venture into the great outdoors to sample such holiday glee, one lucky family will enjoy the spirit of the season without going anywhere. For the Randall family of Chicago, a winter wonderland awaits right in their own home!

Ever since being laid off at the rendering plant, Dwayne Randall and family have had a bit of a tough time making ends meet. First, their car was repossessed and the telephone was shut off. Then, thanks to the family’s inabilty to pay several months back bills to Chicago Gas and Electric, the Randalls’ heat was turned off, and the tiny rented flat they occupy became an icy playground of holiday delight!

“Please...” a shivering and blue Dwayne Randall, 41, told reporters. “Must... have... heat.”

He then wrapped his arms around his son and began patting and rubbing his convulsing torso, giving him the biggest Christmas hug a young boy could ever want.

Though times are tough, isn’t overcoming life’s adversity with good cheer and uplifted spirits just exactly what the holidays are really all about? Mother Ellen Randall, desperately melting water over a tiny, generator-powered hotplate, certainly seems to think so. The charitable enthusiasm with which she vainly attempts to treat her young child’s severe hypothermia is an example to us all that the true warmth of Christmas comes not from any gas company, but from our hearts.

Its ceiling aglow with the tinkling of icicles, the kitchen is a child’s fantasy of a wintry igloo for one of Santa’s playful elves. The toilet, frozen solid by the subzero temperatures, may not be fit for use now that the pipes have burst, but it brings to mind the domain of the jolly Mr. Snow, Emperor of Winterland from the charming children’s book we all know and love.

Yet, even in times of holiday happiness, all is not well. Collapsing into a coma, little Paul Randall, 6, turns a seasonal shade of blue, and it seems he has stopped breathing. Witnessing the sadness in the eyes of his loved ones, one is reminded of the touching scene in Frosty the Snowman, in which plucky Frosty melts away, leaving his friends lonely and sad at his passing.

A tear rolls down our numbed cheeks. But alas! A spasm racks the boy’s frail frame! It as if Frosty’s magic hat has once again restorted him to life! All around the frozen apartment, there is once again a sense of joy and happiness, as the sputtering, coughing boy begins to move and stands once again.

“I beg you, Mr. Reporter,” he says, eyes wide with innocence. “Some food... I need food...”

Don’t you worry, Paul. There’ll be plenty of cookies come Christmas Eve! And even if there won’t be, it’s obvious that the Randalls’ holiday spirit will “weather” just about any storm.

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