New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Family Enters Crisis Talks After Learning Restaurant Has 45-Minute Wait

SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes. “Okay, we have two real options as I see it: We could tough it out here or head down to Village Crossing where they have a Chili’s and an Outback Steakhouse,” said father and chief negotiator Mark Kalpern after tabling a motion by his daughter that they just leave and pick up a pizza on the way home. “Forty-five minutes is pretty long, and we’ll need to find Grandma a place to sit if we stay here and wait. Of course, by the time we get to another restaurant and see what the wait is there, it might end up taking just as long. So, what’s the game plan?” After several minutes of intense back-and-forth, the group reportedly agreed to a compromise resolution put forth by Lynn Kalpern whereby most of the members would be dropped off at the front of P.F. Chang’s to go put their name in while their father went to find parking.


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