adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Though he has only questioned 22 of the 100 people needed to complete his survey, veteran Family Feud pollster Rick Carlysle, 42, told reporters Monday that he is already sick of asking strangers to name a fruit typically served at breakfast. "You wouldn't believe how many people have given answers like star fruit or kiwi because they think they're being clever," said Carlysle, who has been polling random cross-sections of Americans on such banal topics as the typical contents of a lady's purse since the late Ray Combs hosted the popular game show in the early '90s. "I mean, come on, this isn't that hard. Just say banana or grapefruit. Or even cantaloupe, for Christ's sake." Carlysle said that if he doesn't start getting reasonable responses within the next 20 minutes, he will just make up some numbers to finish out the survey like he always does.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close