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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Though he has only questioned 22 of the 100 people needed to complete his survey, veteran Family Feud pollster Rick Carlysle, 42, told reporters Monday that he is already sick of asking strangers to name a fruit typically served at breakfast. "You wouldn't believe how many people have given answers like star fruit or kiwi because they think they're being clever," said Carlysle, who has been polling random cross-sections of Americans on such banal topics as the typical contents of a lady's purse since the late Ray Combs hosted the popular game show in the early '90s. "I mean, come on, this isn't that hard. Just say banana or grapefruit. Or even cantaloupe, for Christ's sake." Carlysle said that if he doesn't start getting reasonable responses within the next 20 minutes, he will just make up some numbers to finish out the survey like he always does.

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