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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Family, Friends Really Looking Forward To Next 9 Months Of Being Around Kobe Bryant

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Following the Lakers shooting guard’s surgery to repair a torn Achilles tendon, Kobe Bryant’s family and friends told reporters Friday that they are really looking forward to spending the next nine months with the NBA superstar as he recuperates from the season-ending injury.

“I couldn’t be more excited about this,” said Bryant’s sister Shaya, who like all of the athlete’s family members and close personal acquaintances expressed joy about the chance to keep the sidelined basketball star company during his rehabilitation. “It’s unfortunate that Kobe’s so banged up, but my brother’s such a pleasure to be around that I’m sure these next few months will just fly by. And I’m looking forward to every single second of it.”

“I honestly can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend multiple hours a day with for the next year than Kobe Bryant,” Shaya continued.

With Bryant facing a strenuous post-surgical recovery, the people close to the Lakers captain reportedly voiced their unfettered enthusiasm about spending quality time with the future Hall of Famer in the coming months.

Bryant’s agent, parents, personal assistant, and two daughters, who described themselves as “unbelievably lucky,” confirmed that they couldn’t wait to “just hang out” with the hobbled All-Star and enjoy “delightful” activities such as preparing meals for the shooting guard, running his errands, and making conversation with him during his extended downtime.

Family and friends expressed their elation at perpetually tending to the injured Lakers star’s every need as he recoups from his tendon tear, rejoicing over the opportunity to take Bryant to doctor’s appointments, help him up and down the stairs of his Newport Beach mansion, and guide him through his physical therapy exercises.

While family and friends admitted that the assistance would be physically and emotionally grueling, they said that Bryant would doubtlessly show his appreciation for their tireless efforts.

“Obviously, Kobe is pretty upset about having sustained such a serious injury in the twilight of his career, but I’m sure he’ll be very accepting of our help,” said Bryant’s next-door neighbor Glen Howell, adding that his good friend will require his constant attention and support over the next several months. “Some people might get defensive about this kind of thing, but Kobe’s such a positive, kind-hearted guy that there’s no way he would think about venting his frustrations on those who care about him.”

“That’s just not the Kobe I know,” Howell continued.

Though Bryant’s recovery period will reportedly allow many people in his life to experience the pure bliss that reportedly comes in basking in his presence, none stand to benefit more than Bryant’s wife, Vanessa, who said that her husband’s lengthy convalescence would provide her a unique opportunity to reconnect with the man who has played such a special role in her life.

“Kobe’s been the light of my world for 13 years now, but as amazing as it is to be married to him, it’s always difficult when he leaves for games and road trips,” said Vanessa, who emphasized that she cherishes “every waking moment” spent with her husband. “But now, and for the foreseeable future, Kobe’s going to be the first thing I see when I get up in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to bed. He’s going to be a constant presence in our home, and I’ll be there with him every step of the way, on call to meet his every need, every single day, for nine magical months.”

“It’s really going to be something else,” Vanessa added.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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