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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Family, Friends Really Looking Forward To Next 9 Months Of Being Around Kobe Bryant

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Following the Lakers shooting guard’s surgery to repair a torn Achilles tendon, Kobe Bryant’s family and friends told reporters Friday that they are really looking forward to spending the next nine months with the NBA superstar as he recuperates from the season-ending injury.

“I couldn’t be more excited about this,” said Bryant’s sister Shaya, who like all of the athlete’s family members and close personal acquaintances expressed joy about the chance to keep the sidelined basketball star company during his rehabilitation. “It’s unfortunate that Kobe’s so banged up, but my brother’s such a pleasure to be around that I’m sure these next few months will just fly by. And I’m looking forward to every single second of it.”

“I honestly can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend multiple hours a day with for the next year than Kobe Bryant,” Shaya continued.

With Bryant facing a strenuous post-surgical recovery, the people close to the Lakers captain reportedly voiced their unfettered enthusiasm about spending quality time with the future Hall of Famer in the coming months.

Bryant’s agent, parents, personal assistant, and two daughters, who described themselves as “unbelievably lucky,” confirmed that they couldn’t wait to “just hang out” with the hobbled All-Star and enjoy “delightful” activities such as preparing meals for the shooting guard, running his errands, and making conversation with him during his extended downtime.

Family and friends expressed their elation at perpetually tending to the injured Lakers star’s every need as he recoups from his tendon tear, rejoicing over the opportunity to take Bryant to doctor’s appointments, help him up and down the stairs of his Newport Beach mansion, and guide him through his physical therapy exercises.

While family and friends admitted that the assistance would be physically and emotionally grueling, they said that Bryant would doubtlessly show his appreciation for their tireless efforts.

“Obviously, Kobe is pretty upset about having sustained such a serious injury in the twilight of his career, but I’m sure he’ll be very accepting of our help,” said Bryant’s next-door neighbor Glen Howell, adding that his good friend will require his constant attention and support over the next several months. “Some people might get defensive about this kind of thing, but Kobe’s such a positive, kind-hearted guy that there’s no way he would think about venting his frustrations on those who care about him.”

“That’s just not the Kobe I know,” Howell continued.

Though Bryant’s recovery period will reportedly allow many people in his life to experience the pure bliss that reportedly comes in basking in his presence, none stand to benefit more than Bryant’s wife, Vanessa, who said that her husband’s lengthy convalescence would provide her a unique opportunity to reconnect with the man who has played such a special role in her life.

“Kobe’s been the light of my world for 13 years now, but as amazing as it is to be married to him, it’s always difficult when he leaves for games and road trips,” said Vanessa, who emphasized that she cherishes “every waking moment” spent with her husband. “But now, and for the foreseeable future, Kobe’s going to be the first thing I see when I get up in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to bed. He’s going to be a constant presence in our home, and I’ll be there with him every step of the way, on call to meet his every need, every single day, for nine magical months.”

“It’s really going to be something else,” Vanessa added.

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