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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Family, Friends Really Looking Forward To Next 9 Months Of Being Around Kobe Bryant

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Following the Lakers shooting guard’s surgery to repair a torn Achilles tendon, Kobe Bryant’s family and friends told reporters Friday that they are really looking forward to spending the next nine months with the NBA superstar as he recuperates from the season-ending injury.

“I couldn’t be more excited about this,” said Bryant’s sister Shaya, who like all of the athlete’s family members and close personal acquaintances expressed joy about the chance to keep the sidelined basketball star company during his rehabilitation. “It’s unfortunate that Kobe’s so banged up, but my brother’s such a pleasure to be around that I’m sure these next few months will just fly by. And I’m looking forward to every single second of it.”

“I honestly can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend multiple hours a day with for the next year than Kobe Bryant,” Shaya continued.

With Bryant facing a strenuous post-surgical recovery, the people close to the Lakers captain reportedly voiced their unfettered enthusiasm about spending quality time with the future Hall of Famer in the coming months.

Bryant’s agent, parents, personal assistant, and two daughters, who described themselves as “unbelievably lucky,” confirmed that they couldn’t wait to “just hang out” with the hobbled All-Star and enjoy “delightful” activities such as preparing meals for the shooting guard, running his errands, and making conversation with him during his extended downtime.

Family and friends expressed their elation at perpetually tending to the injured Lakers star’s every need as he recoups from his tendon tear, rejoicing over the opportunity to take Bryant to doctor’s appointments, help him up and down the stairs of his Newport Beach mansion, and guide him through his physical therapy exercises.

While family and friends admitted that the assistance would be physically and emotionally grueling, they said that Bryant would doubtlessly show his appreciation for their tireless efforts.

“Obviously, Kobe is pretty upset about having sustained such a serious injury in the twilight of his career, but I’m sure he’ll be very accepting of our help,” said Bryant’s next-door neighbor Glen Howell, adding that his good friend will require his constant attention and support over the next several months. “Some people might get defensive about this kind of thing, but Kobe’s such a positive, kind-hearted guy that there’s no way he would think about venting his frustrations on those who care about him.”

“That’s just not the Kobe I know,” Howell continued.

Though Bryant’s recovery period will reportedly allow many people in his life to experience the pure bliss that reportedly comes in basking in his presence, none stand to benefit more than Bryant’s wife, Vanessa, who said that her husband’s lengthy convalescence would provide her a unique opportunity to reconnect with the man who has played such a special role in her life.

“Kobe’s been the light of my world for 13 years now, but as amazing as it is to be married to him, it’s always difficult when he leaves for games and road trips,” said Vanessa, who emphasized that she cherishes “every waking moment” spent with her husband. “But now, and for the foreseeable future, Kobe’s going to be the first thing I see when I get up in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to bed. He’s going to be a constant presence in our home, and I’ll be there with him every step of the way, on call to meet his every need, every single day, for nine magical months.”

“It’s really going to be something else,” Vanessa added.

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