Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Family Hesitant About Sinking Another 40 Grand Into Repairs Of Dilapidated Old Grandma

CALDWELL, ID—Conceding that she just might not be worth the expense at this point, the Smith family told reporters Monday that they were hesitant about sinking another $40,000 of repairs into their dilapidated old grandmother. “I hate to say it, but we might just be throwing money away on the old girl,” said her son Lawrence Smith, explaining that they’ve already sunk $15,000 into her hip and another $5,000 into her hearing and would hate to put even more money into her only to have her break down a week after they picked her up from the hospital. “We can’t get her a mile out before she overheats, stalls, and has to be restarted. She leaks all the time now too, not to mention the weird sounds she keeps making. Honestly, it might be better to just let her keep going as long as she can until she naturally stops running for good.” Smith went on to say that the family’s money might be much better spent on investing in a brand-new grandchild.

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