Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Hesitant About Sinking Another 40 Grand Into Repairs Of Dilapidated Old Grandma

CALDWELL, ID—Conceding that she just might not be worth the expense at this point, the Smith family told reporters Monday that they were hesitant about sinking another $40,000 of repairs into their dilapidated old grandmother. “I hate to say it, but we might just be throwing money away on the old girl,” said her son Lawrence Smith, explaining that they’ve already sunk $15,000 into her hip and another $5,000 into her hearing and would hate to put even more money into her only to have her break down a week after they picked her up from the hospital. “We can’t get her a mile out before she overheats, stalls, and has to be restarted. She leaks all the time now too, not to mention the weird sounds she keeps making. Honestly, it might be better to just let her keep going as long as she can until she naturally stops running for good.” Smith went on to say that the family’s money might be much better spent on investing in a brand-new grandchild.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.