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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Family Hesitant About Sinking Another 40 Grand Into Repairs Of Dilapidated Old Grandma

CALDWELL, ID—Conceding that she just might not be worth the expense at this point, the Smith family told reporters Monday that they were hesitant about sinking another $40,000 of repairs into their dilapidated old grandmother. “I hate to say it, but we might just be throwing money away on the old girl,” said her son Lawrence Smith, explaining that they’ve already sunk $15,000 into her hip and another $5,000 into her hearing and would hate to put even more money into her only to have her break down a week after they picked her up from the hospital. “We can’t get her a mile out before she overheats, stalls, and has to be restarted. She leaks all the time now too, not to mention the weird sounds she keeps making. Honestly, it might be better to just let her keep going as long as she can until she naturally stops running for good.” Smith went on to say that the family’s money might be much better spent on investing in a brand-new grandchild.

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