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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing

OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing. “I know Mom’s pretty excited, but if she thinks we’re going to do this sort of thing again, she’s sorely mistaken,” said Calverton’s 16-year-old son, Garrett, who explained that he, his sister, and his father had only agreed to the outing because his mother was turning 50, adding that she had better not get her hopes up and start believing this might become a regular activity. “If she wants to come back by herself and walk along the other trails, that’s up to her. She just needs to know that today is a special occasion, and after this, we’re all done as far as family walks go. This is it.” Garrett Calverton went on to say that while he was willing to walk the whole trail without complaint, if his mother thought she could stop every 10 minutes to read each new sign explaining the area’s native plants and animals, then she had another thing coming.

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