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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing

OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing. “I know Mom’s pretty excited, but if she thinks we’re going to do this sort of thing again, she’s sorely mistaken,” said Calverton’s 16-year-old son, Garrett, who explained that he, his sister, and his father had only agreed to the outing because his mother was turning 50, adding that she had better not get her hopes up and start believing this might become a regular activity. “If she wants to come back by herself and walk along the other trails, that’s up to her. She just needs to know that today is a special occasion, and after this, we’re all done as far as family walks go. This is it.” Garrett Calverton went on to say that while he was willing to walk the whole trail without complaint, if his mother thought she could stop every 10 minutes to read each new sign explaining the area’s native plants and animals, then she had another thing coming.

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