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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book

NEWTON, GA—More than 60 years of strife and infighting among the Horton family reportedly surfaced Monday in the funeral guest book for the patriarch, Lionel Horton, 89.

"I will forever remember Uncle Lionel as a loving and kind individual—much different than Aunt Doris," one entry read.

"It's just like my in-laws not to offer me a lift to the cemetery," read another. During a eulogy given at Horton's funeral service at Life Eternal Baptist Church, the deceased's half brother, Derek, 76, praised him as a "devoted husband to his conniving, money-grubbing bitch of a wife" and urged his "lazy, undeserving children" to take comfort in the fact that their father is in a much more peaceful place.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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