adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Knows Better Than To Fall For Mom’s Little Bullshit Speech About No Presents This Year

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas. “She doesn’t mean a goddamn word of it,” said Alex Gordon, 32, one of Ellen Gordon’s three adult children, all of whom agreed that you’d have to be pretty fucking thick if you didn’t see right through her little song and dance about just enjoying each other’s company without the expense and obligation of giving presents. “She says this every year, but forget that—of course she wants to do gifts. Can you imagine the look on her face if there actually wasn’t anything under the tree and we just sat around empty-handed like a bunch of assholes? No way is that happening.” Gordon added that he and his siblings were taking their mom’s suggestion that they could leave on Christmas Day if the ticket was cheaper for the utter horseshit that it is.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close