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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Family Knows Better Than To Fall For Mom’s Little Bullshit Speech About No Presents This Year

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas. “She doesn’t mean a goddamn word of it,” said Alex Gordon, 32, one of Ellen Gordon’s three adult children, all of whom agreed that you’d have to be pretty fucking thick if you didn’t see right through her little song and dance about just enjoying each other’s company without the expense and obligation of giving presents. “She says this every year, but forget that—of course she wants to do gifts. Can you imagine the look on her face if there actually wasn’t anything under the tree and we just sat around empty-handed like a bunch of assholes? No way is that happening.” Gordon added that he and his siblings were taking their mom’s suggestion that they could leave on Christmas Day if the ticket was cheaper for the utter horseshit that it is.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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