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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm

AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard. “Usually we just keep them outside, but seeing them sitting out there in the snow and freezing cold just broke our hearts, so my husband and I decided to bring the SUV and sedan inside to get toasty,” said Elizabeth Wallace before rubbing the ice-cold hood of their beloved 11-year-old Pontiac G6 to help warm it up. “Even after idling in the kitchen for a while, they both still seemed chilly, so we let them come right up next to the fire for a while, which seemed to help. I hope they understand that this is just for tonight.” At press time, the family was irritated after noticing their 2012 Toyota Highlander had tracked mud all over the carpet.

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