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Best Of January 2015

Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion

ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion.

Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations

CHICAGO—Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time. ...
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Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm

AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard. “Usually we just keep them outside, but seeing them sitting out there in the snow and freezing cold just broke our hearts, so my husband and I decided to bring the SUV and sedan inside to get toasty,” said Elizabeth Wallace before rubbing the ice-cold hood of their beloved 11-year-old Pontiac G6 to help warm it up. “Even after idling in the kitchen for a while, they both still seemed chilly, so we let them come right up next to the fire for a while, which seemed to help. I hope they understand that this is just for tonight.” At press time, the family was irritated after noticing their 2012 Toyota Highlander had tracked mud all over the carpet.

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