Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious. “The truth is we’ve been planning this for a while, and I think we’ll all just rest easier knowing she’s there,” said Reynolds’ nephew Mike Cooper of relocating the 86-year-old to the back of their minds, noting that, at this stage in her life, the most sensible place for her was well below their conscious awareness. “Obviously it’s not the perfect solution, but when a relative gets to be that age, it’s great to not have to worry about them all the time.” Cooper went on to say that his aunt would not be lonely in the family’s subconscious, as they had moved Uncle Albert there two years earlier.

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