Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious. “The truth is we’ve been planning this for a while, and I think we’ll all just rest easier knowing she’s there,” said Reynolds’ nephew Mike Cooper of relocating the 86-year-old to the back of their minds, noting that, at this stage in her life, the most sensible place for her was well below their conscious awareness. “Obviously it’s not the perfect solution, but when a relative gets to be that age, it’s great to not have to worry about them all the time.” Cooper went on to say that his aunt would not be lonely in the family’s subconscious, as they had moved Uncle Albert there two years earlier.

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