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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.
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Family Not Appreciably Enriched By Trip To Mount Rushmore

KEYSTONE, SD–Despite predictions to the contrary, the Lurmans' visit to Mount Rushmore failed to enrich the Portage, MI, family or bring its members closer together. "I guess I thought we'd all bond a little," father Tom Lurman said. "But, aside from lending [daughter] Katie $5 to get something at the snack bar, we didn't really even interact all that much." Lurman said he was prepared to share details of the construction of the monument with his children, but they never asked.

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