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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Family Now Openly Wondering When Grandma Will Die

ATHENS, GA—After years of silent speculation, Trotter family members openly wondered Monday when ailing family matriarch Helen Trotter would die. "I'd say sometime in the next six months," Trotta's granddaughter Emily told her brother Zach after a visit to Valley View Nursing Home. "No way she'll hang on more than a year." Reports indicate that the Trotters hope the 88-year-old stays alive at least until after Christmas so it doesn't force a change of travel plans.

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