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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler

ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill sampler that they received as a holiday gift, sources confirmed Friday. “I like the blue-and-red ones a lot, but I’ll pretty much eat any of them except for the yellows; I always leave those for Dad,” said 12-year-old Evan Johnson, who added that out of the box’s assorted painkillers, decongestants, estrogen supplements, and antipsychotic medications, he enjoys the ones with a codeine-based gel filling the best. “It’s also kind of fun to grab one without knowing what’s inside and try to guess what you’ve taken. Last year, I got a beta blocker and it was really gross, though, so maybe I’ll just look at the little guide and only pick out the good ones.” At press time, each of the family members had reportedly taken too many pills and was complaining of stomach discomfort, dizziness, and blurred vision.

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