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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler

ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill sampler that they received as a holiday gift, sources confirmed Friday. “I like the blue-and-red ones a lot, but I’ll pretty much eat any of them except for the yellows; I always leave those for Dad,” said 12-year-old Evan Johnson, who added that out of the box’s assorted painkillers, decongestants, estrogen supplements, and antipsychotic medications, he enjoys the ones with a codeine-based gel filling the best. “It’s also kind of fun to grab one without knowing what’s inside and try to guess what you’ve taken. Last year, I got a beta blocker and it was really gross, though, so maybe I’ll just look at the little guide and only pick out the good ones.” At press time, each of the family members had reportedly taken too many pills and was complaining of stomach discomfort, dizziness, and blurred vision.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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