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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler

ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill sampler that they received as a holiday gift, sources confirmed Friday. “I like the blue-and-red ones a lot, but I’ll pretty much eat any of them except for the yellows; I always leave those for Dad,” said 12-year-old Evan Johnson, who added that out of the box’s assorted painkillers, decongestants, estrogen supplements, and antipsychotic medications, he enjoys the ones with a codeine-based gel filling the best. “It’s also kind of fun to grab one without knowing what’s inside and try to guess what you’ve taken. Last year, I got a beta blocker and it was really gross, though, so maybe I’ll just look at the little guide and only pick out the good ones.” At press time, each of the family members had reportedly taken too many pills and was complaining of stomach discomfort, dizziness, and blurred vision.

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