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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Family Relieved To Hear Good Grandma Didn't Die

KEENE, NH—After enduring a temporary moment of heartbreak upon hearing their grandmother had died in her sleep the previous night, children of the Sullivan family told reporters Monday they were immensely relieved to learn it wasn't the good grandma. "When Mom first broke the news, I got this awful feeling like everything inside me just dropped into my stomach—but then she told us it was Nana Duffy, not Grammy Jane," said 15-year-old Dana Sullivan, later adding that she couldn't bear to think about the void her beloved grandmother Jane's absence would have left in her life. "I really would have missed Grammy's stories and jokes. Thank God it wasn't her. She's the best." Dana and her two brothers Jason, 13, and David, 14, were reportedly excited to hear they would be staying with Grammy Jane in Concord while their parents attended the funeral.

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