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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Family Relieved To Hear Good Grandma Didn't Die

KEENE, NH—After enduring a temporary moment of heartbreak upon hearing their grandmother had died in her sleep the previous night, children of the Sullivan family told reporters Monday they were immensely relieved to learn it wasn't the good grandma. "When Mom first broke the news, I got this awful feeling like everything inside me just dropped into my stomach—but then she told us it was Nana Duffy, not Grammy Jane," said 15-year-old Dana Sullivan, later adding that she couldn't bear to think about the void her beloved grandmother Jane's absence would have left in her life. "I really would have missed Grammy's stories and jokes. Thank God it wasn't her. She's the best." Dana and her two brothers Jason, 13, and David, 14, were reportedly excited to hear they would be staying with Grammy Jane in Concord while their parents attended the funeral.

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