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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Family Relieved To Hear Good Grandma Didn't Die

KEENE, NH—After enduring a temporary moment of heartbreak upon hearing their grandmother had died in her sleep the previous night, children of the Sullivan family told reporters Monday they were immensely relieved to learn it wasn't the good grandma. "When Mom first broke the news, I got this awful feeling like everything inside me just dropped into my stomach—but then she told us it was Nana Duffy, not Grammy Jane," said 15-year-old Dana Sullivan, later adding that she couldn't bear to think about the void her beloved grandmother Jane's absence would have left in her life. "I really would have missed Grammy's stories and jokes. Thank God it wasn't her. She's the best." Dana and her two brothers Jason, 13, and David, 14, were reportedly excited to hear they would be staying with Grammy Jane in Concord while their parents attended the funeral.

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