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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Family Requests Privacy During This Unbelievably Awesome Time

COLUMBIA, SC—The Whittaker family asked for privacy Saturday night as they struggled to come to terms with the awesome events of their ridiculously fun week. “Given the nature of what happened here, we would greatly appreciate it if you would respect our privacy during this bitchin’ time so as not to distract anyone from all of the cool shit happening to us," said a spokesperson for the family, wearing a tuxedo with an unfastened bow tie. “Therefore, we will not be making any further comments to the media for the foreseeable future. Woooo!” In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully asked that people send pizza and beer and keep it coming.

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