adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family At Restaurant Reminds Grandma What Food She Likes

SPLENDORA, TX—As they carefully guided her through the menu at local eatery Republic Bistro Friday, the family of grandmother Barbara LeBlanc, 81, reportedly made a point of reminding her what foods she likes. “Oh, look, a Mediterranean chicken panini! You could have that. It’s basically just a chicken sandwich, and you like chicken,” said LeBlanc’s daughter Rachel Hallowell, explaining how the melted cheese and tomato slices made the sandwich similar to others she has liked in the past. “Or how about the Greek salad? You had one of those when we went out to dinner for Timmy’s graduation, and you said it was very good.” After LeBlanc reportedly pointed to the penne all’arrabbiata and suggested she might enjoy that, her relatives were quick to remind her that she hates spicy peppers.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close