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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Family members wistfully told reporters that grandmother Joan Osterman, who passed away last October at the age of 83, heartily enjoyed the revelry of 4/20 every year, recalling how the elderly woman always had the kindest, dankest nugs and the sweetest perma-grin on her face after ripping a huge bong hit.

“It’s just so different celebrating 4/20 without Grandma Joan here,” said 19-year-old Julia Osterman, adding that many of her most cherished 4/20 memories were of her grandmother, from how the older woman was always the first one to wake and bake in the morning, to helping her hang the family’s blacklights and her beloved Peter Tosh “Legalize It” poster. “You’d always know 4/20 was finally here when you’d hear Piper At The Gates Of Dawn playing on her old record player and smell the mile-high blondies she’d gotten up extra early to make. It’s not going to feel the same sitting around the hookah as a family without her half passed out on the couch.”

“The house is just so much quieter this year without Grandma’s voice constantly encouraging us all to ‘spark another one,’” Julia continued. “I miss her giggle so much.”

Other family members agreed that it was hard not to be overwhelmed with emotions on 4/20 when catching a glimpse of their grandmother’s favorite brand of rolling papers or her cobalt blue glass pipe, which they said induced a flood of memories of their departed loved one.

“When we were passing the joint earlier and it came back around the circle so quickly, it was just another reminder that she’s really gone,” said Osterman’s son Richard, 52. “There are so many little things she used to do to make 4/20 feel special: the matching stocking caps she knit us, the extra blankets she always had out in case we got the chills. But the thing I’ll miss most is just seeing her sitting in her old bean bag chair, watching that VHS copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey just completely blazed out of her mind. That’s the way I’ll always remember her.”

“Still, as long as her strain of sour diesel is growing out in the backyard, it’s like there’s still a part of her with us,” added Osterman, wiping away a tear.

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