adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together

AKRON, OH–They say the family that sits silently together stays silently together. And no one proves that old adage better than the Bladners. Whether enduring an uncomfortable outing at a local restaurant, attending an unpleasant community event, or simply staring blankly at the television, this tight-knit clan always makes an effort to spend plenty of awkward, silent quality time together.

Gathered around the dinner table, the Bladners enjoy not catching up on the day's events.

"I read in Woman's Day how important it is for a family to spend time together," Joanne Bladner said Monday, her husband Larry and two teenage children slumped in their chairs at the dinner table. "In this day and age, so many families are hardly ever in the same room!"

"Well, I'm proud to say our little family is different," said Bladner, spooning beef stew onto the plates of her glassy-eyed loved ones.

Dinner at the Bladner residence is a special time: It's the one hour each day when Larry gets a chance to sit down with his wife and children and say nothing. As his loved ones rhythmically shovel food into their mouths, Larry reaches far across the table to grab the salt, straining to get it himself rather than ask son Marc to pass it to him.

After years of conditioning, daughter Michelle eats in near-silence, avoiding eye contact and answering questions with mumbled, monosyllabic answers whenever possible.

"Until I move out of the house, I have to do the whole family thing and eat dinner at the table," said Michelle, 16. "If I eat fast and don't say anything, I can usually get done in time to watch The Simpsons."

Noted psychologist Dr. Alvin Tanner, who has called the evening meal "the glue that holds the modern American family together," applauded the Bladners' commitment to closeness.

"Families need to spend time together daily," Tanner said. "That's the only way children will form lasting bonds and learn what to do when they're adults and have families of their own."

On the rare occasion that they do speak, Larry and Joanne try to make their time together as enjoyable as possible by avoiding any subjects they disagree about, including the next-door neighbors, Michelle's recent car accident, college savings, the boxes in the garage, and Joanne's mother's nursing home.

Joanne said she sees her family's tightness as part of a proud tradition.

"Larry's family was very close growing up," Bladner said. "He was raised on a farm, so they spent countless hours together out in the fields. Unfortunately, our family doesn't have any haying or corn-detasseling to do together, so we have to find other ways to stay close."

The four often spend hours after dinner watching television together.

"Marc wanted a TV set of his own, and I said, 'No way, buster,'" Larry said. "Then he'd be spending all of his time watching MTV in his bedroom, instead of sitting out in the living room watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with us."

In addition to sharing many quality viewing hours, the Bladners occasionally leave the house together. Years ago, they went on frequent family walks, but when the children reached adolescence, they began resisting this activity for fear of being seen by their peers. Marc and Michelle's changing attitude and their parents' advancing age have forced the Bladners to rule out a number of activities, including miniature golf, badminton, and trips to the local waterpark.

"It's getting a little harder to think of something fun we can all do together, but we always do," Joanne said. "More often than not, we go to Southgate Mall together. We'll drive over there together and pick a time to meet up afterwards. The kids seem to like that the best."

Glaring icily at each other during a recent drive to Southgate, Marc and Michelle jump out of the family minivan the moment it pulls into a parking spot and head for opposite ends of the mall. When the two cross paths inside, they wordlessly pass each other without acknowledgement.

On the drive home from the mall, Larry reflected on his relationship with his children.

"I kind of miss the old days, when I was 'Daddy' to Marc and Michelle," Larry said. "They'd run up and sit on my lap, and I never got the feeling that they secretly hated me. But, goddamn it, I'm still their father, and as long as they live under my roof, we are going to be a seemingly happy family."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close