Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together

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Vol 36 Issue 37

Historical Inaccuracy Found In Wild West Strip Show

LAS VEGAS– Donald Nance, a vacationing Massillon, OH, accountant and history buff, detected a historical inaccuracy Monday in a Wild West-themed topless revue at Las Vegas' Mustang Club. "If you look at the pistols Miss Kitty was brandishing, they were clearly of a make not produced by the Colt factories until well after the turn of the century," Nance said. "And the kind of white patent-leather boots worn by the strippers were not produced at any time during the Westward Expansion phase." Nance also noted that pasties of the Wild West era did not feature tassels.

Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar

HYDERABAD, INDIA– Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar in his room. "Don't you know how to knock?" said a red-faced Gopalakrishnan, who was caught sitting cross-legged in front of his mirror, imitating Ravi Shankar while the sitar god's classic 1973 Ragas album played loudly. "The door is closed for a reason! Shiva." Gopalakrishnan, who also ran his hands through his hair and mimed a ferocious tabla solo before being interrupted, later added: "Arundhati Shridhar, the girl to whom I am promised for marriage, just saw me acting like a fool. I'm so humiliated, I could move on to my next life."

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The 368-page Beatles Anthology, touted as the most authoritative account of the Fab Four, hit the bookstores last week. What are some of its more notable revelations?

I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!

Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to run my business. Indeed, hardly a week goes by in which this strident minority of harpies are not complaining about my use of lead-based inks, the occasional tooth which has been pressed into the financial section, or The Onion's continued silence on the prison-reform issue.

I Been Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Some Scratch

Hola, amigos. What's the situation? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems. First off, I had a major toothache that kept me awake for three nights in a row. The only good thing about it was that by the third night, I was seeing all kinds of fucked-up stuff. I mean, you remember that scene from The Wall where those hammers are marching? That's the kind of stuff I saw. No joke.
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Holiday

Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together

AKRON, OH–They say the family that sits silently together stays silently together. And no one proves that old adage better than the Bladners. Whether enduring an uncomfortable outing at a local restaurant, attending an unpleasant community event, or simply staring blankly at the television, this tight-knit clan always makes an effort to spend plenty of awkward, silent quality time together.

Gathered around the dinner table, the Bladners enjoy not catching up on the day's events.

"I read in Woman's Day how important it is for a family to spend time together," Joanne Bladner said Monday, her husband Larry and two teenage children slumped in their chairs at the dinner table. "In this day and age, so many families are hardly ever in the same room!"

"Well, I'm proud to say our little family is different," said Bladner, spooning beef stew onto the plates of her glassy-eyed loved ones.

Dinner at the Bladner residence is a special time: It's the one hour each day when Larry gets a chance to sit down with his wife and children and say nothing. As his loved ones rhythmically shovel food into their mouths, Larry reaches far across the table to grab the salt, straining to get it himself rather than ask son Marc to pass it to him.

After years of conditioning, daughter Michelle eats in near-silence, avoiding eye contact and answering questions with mumbled, monosyllabic answers whenever possible.

"Until I move out of the house, I have to do the whole family thing and eat dinner at the table," said Michelle, 16. "If I eat fast and don't say anything, I can usually get done in time to watch The Simpsons."

Noted psychologist Dr. Alvin Tanner, who has called the evening meal "the glue that holds the modern American family together," applauded the Bladners' commitment to closeness.

"Families need to spend time together daily," Tanner said. "That's the only way children will form lasting bonds and learn what to do when they're adults and have families of their own."

On the rare occasion that they do speak, Larry and Joanne try to make their time together as enjoyable as possible by avoiding any subjects they disagree about, including the next-door neighbors, Michelle's recent car accident, college savings, the boxes in the garage, and Joanne's mother's nursing home.

Joanne said she sees her family's tightness as part of a proud tradition.

"Larry's family was very close growing up," Bladner said. "He was raised on a farm, so they spent countless hours together out in the fields. Unfortunately, our family doesn't have any haying or corn-detasseling to do together, so we have to find other ways to stay close."

The four often spend hours after dinner watching television together.

"Marc wanted a TV set of his own, and I said, 'No way, buster,'" Larry said. "Then he'd be spending all of his time watching MTV in his bedroom, instead of sitting out in the living room watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with us."

In addition to sharing many quality viewing hours, the Bladners occasionally leave the house together. Years ago, they went on frequent family walks, but when the children reached adolescence, they began resisting this activity for fear of being seen by their peers. Marc and Michelle's changing attitude and their parents' advancing age have forced the Bladners to rule out a number of activities, including miniature golf, badminton, and trips to the local waterpark.

"It's getting a little harder to think of something fun we can all do together, but we always do," Joanne said. "More often than not, we go to Southgate Mall together. We'll drive over there together and pick a time to meet up afterwards. The kids seem to like that the best."

Glaring icily at each other during a recent drive to Southgate, Marc and Michelle jump out of the family minivan the moment it pulls into a parking spot and head for opposite ends of the mall. When the two cross paths inside, they wordlessly pass each other without acknowledgement.

On the drive home from the mall, Larry reflected on his relationship with his children.

"I kind of miss the old days, when I was 'Daddy' to Marc and Michelle," Larry said. "They'd run up and sit on my lap, and I never got the feeling that they secretly hated me. But, goddamn it, I'm still their father, and as long as they live under my roof, we are going to be a seemingly happy family."

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