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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Family Spends Relaxing Weekend Destroying Outdoors

ATLANTA—Feeling refreshed after three days of camping in Georgia’s Oconee National Forest, members of the Prendergast family confirmed Monday they had spent a relaxing weekend destroying the great outdoors. “It’s nice every now and then to escape from the city, get outside, and take some time to really trash nature,” said father of two Dan Prendergast, 49, remarking that the highlight of the trip was a morning hike during which his family was able to toss away their juice bottles, granola bar wrappers, and Ziploc sandwich bags at the summit of Burgess Mountain and along the banks of the Ocmulgee River. “Nothing beats being out in the country and littering with the whole family. It’s easy, too: We just pack up a couple disposable styrofoam coolers with food and drinks, load up the Chevy Suburban, and then drive out into the woods to pollute all that Mother Nature has to offer.” While the Prendergasts all agreed the weekend trip was fun, they told reporters that by Sunday, they were ready to get back to damaging the environment from the comfort of their own 5,000-square-foot air-conditioned home.

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