adBlockCheck

Family Takes Rare Trip To The Good Mall

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Family Takes Rare Trip To The Good Mall

The Dietrich family claims the good mall has a J.Crew store with separate floors for men's and women's clothing.
The Dietrich family claims the good mall has a J.Crew store with separate floors for men's and women's clothing.

CORAL GABLES, FL—In a noteworthy departure from their usual shopping routine, the Dietrich family announced today that they would forego the regular mall near their home in favor of the good mall, located 45 minutes away.

The good mall, which Dietrich household sources confirmed has the good stores, is reportedly "bigger" and "nicer" and worth the occasional trip, especially if the Macy's there is having a sale.

"The good mall has everything," 44-year-old Paul Dietrich said of Harborview Plaza, a three-level shopping center built in 2002. "[Regular mall] Eastridge is fine, and it's closer, but with the holidays coming up we figured we might as well take the trip."

"The food court is a lot nicer," Dietrich added.

Although it has been nine months since their last trip to the good mall, family members said they knew exactly which of its stores they planned to visit. Both Dietrich and his wife, Susan, who together run a small pool-supply business, expressed interest in patronizing one of the mall's anchor stores, Nordstrom, saying that the regular mall would never in a million years have a Nordstrom, and that it's cleaner than the JCPenney at Eastridge.

In addition, Dietrich's two children, James, 14, and Amy, 13, said they were both excited because the good mall has a Finish Line, a Footaction, and a Foot Locker, whereas the normal mall only has a Foot Locker.

"I like the store they have there with all the swords," James told reporters. "It has these big swords that cost 200 bucks. Like, these big swords that knights use. It has cool knives, too. Switchblades and different knives."

"I could spend all day fiddling around at Brookstone," said James' father, noting that the regular mall had a Sharper Image until the chain closed in 2008. "But if I know my wife, we'll be heading straight to Godiva. They charge an arm and a leg over there, but you can see them dipping the strawberries into the chocolate. It's neat."

Family members repeatedly pointed out that the good mall has a fast food Chinese place as well as a Japanese one where employees always give out chicken teriyaki samples.

Moreover, the family said the regular mall only has one sit-down restaurant, whereas the good mall has three. According to Susan Dietrich, 42, that does not include the Damon's Grill that is part of the nice mall's recently built "Broadway Walk," an outdoor annex where she noted a Barnes & Noble is located.

"It's better than the Waldenbooks near us," she said.

"Maybe we'll all see a movie after dinner," she added. "They've got a multiplex with like 20 screens. I think they even serve coffee at the concession stand."

According to the Dietrichs, the good mall has escalators that always work, large store directories in the corridors, and aesthetic touches that make it classier, including skylights, water fountains, and a continuous broadcast of classical music, even in the restrooms.

The holidays, in particular, bring out the best in the good mall, the family confirmed.

"They do a nice job with Santa," Susan Dietrich said. "There's a little walk-in cottage, helper elves, and fake snow that actually looks pretty real. The one at Eastridge is just a Christmas tree with Santa sitting in front of it."

While there are drawbacks to shopping at the good mall, including higher prices and a larger, more confusing parking lot, the Dietrichs said those inconveniences were relatively minor.

"It's not like we visit all the time," Paul Dietrich told reporters. "It's just a fun treat for us every once in a while."

"Oh, they also have Best Buy near there," he added. "It's not actually in the mall, but right across the way, so it might as well be."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close