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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president that racism had finally ended, sources confirmed Sunday. “Just last night, all the races of the world reconciled with one another and agreed to live together in harmony,” Mandela’s wife Graça Machel reportedly said to the bedridden global icon, adding that the despicable institution of racism was “unlikely to have any further negative impact on the world.” “Citizens everywhere have united to fight against any government policy that perpetuates intolerance, and all efforts are being made to live by the social doctrine that all people, regardless of race or gender, are created equal. You did it, Madiba! You did it.” Family members then told Mandela that they “saw no end in sight” to Africa’s pervasive AIDS epidemic.

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