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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president that racism had finally ended, sources confirmed Sunday. “Just last night, all the races of the world reconciled with one another and agreed to live together in harmony,” Mandela’s wife Graça Machel reportedly said to the bedridden global icon, adding that the despicable institution of racism was “unlikely to have any further negative impact on the world.” “Citizens everywhere have united to fight against any government policy that perpetuates intolerance, and all efforts are being made to live by the social doctrine that all people, regardless of race or gender, are created equal. You did it, Madiba! You did it.” Family members then told Mandela that they “saw no end in sight” to Africa’s pervasive AIDS epidemic.

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