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Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president that racism had finally ended, sources confirmed Sunday. “Just last night, all the races of the world reconciled with one another and agreed to live together in harmony,” Mandela’s wife Graça Machel reportedly said to the bedridden global icon, adding that the despicable institution of racism was “unlikely to have any further negative impact on the world.” “Citizens everywhere have united to fight against any government policy that perpetuates intolerance, and all efforts are being made to live by the social doctrine that all people, regardless of race or gender, are created equal. You did it, Madiba! You did it.” Family members then told Mandela that they “saw no end in sight” to Africa’s pervasive AIDS epidemic.

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