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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president that racism had finally ended, sources confirmed Sunday. “Just last night, all the races of the world reconciled with one another and agreed to live together in harmony,” Mandela’s wife Graça Machel reportedly said to the bedridden global icon, adding that the despicable institution of racism was “unlikely to have any further negative impact on the world.” “Citizens everywhere have united to fight against any government policy that perpetuates intolerance, and all efforts are being made to live by the social doctrine that all people, regardless of race or gender, are created equal. You did it, Madiba! You did it.” Family members then told Mandela that they “saw no end in sight” to Africa’s pervasive AIDS epidemic.

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