After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Family Thought Grandfather Might Enjoy Watching Worst Little League Game Imaginable

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Saying it would be a great opportunity for some sunshine and fresh air, members of the Ostby family reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that their grandfather, Earl Ostby, might enjoy going outside and watching the worst Little League baseball game imaginable. “We just thought he’d get a kick out of seeing six innings of the most god-awful baseball ever played,” said daughter-in-law Danielle Ostby, adding that the 83-year-old would probably love viewing a bunch of uncoordinated second-graders repeatedly fuck up routine throws to first base. “Grandpa doesn’t get out of the nursing home very often, so we felt it would be nice for him to watch two completely shitty teams fail to hit a ball out of the infield and score zero runs. Plus, he finally gets a chance to see his grandson completely embarrass himself for an hour at shortstop.” Ostby told reporters her children would also enjoy spending time with their unresponsive, decrepit grandfather.

After Birth

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