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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Family Upgrades To Shells & Cheese

MOBILE, AL— After years of eating regular Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the Conroy family upgraded Monday to the higher-end Velveeta Shells & Cheese. "We've finally arrived," said wife Beverly Conroy while serving up a heaping bowl of the delicacy, made possible by husband Corey's 35-cent raise at the local tile factory. "It's nothing but the finest processed instant foods for us from now on." Pending sensible budgeting, the family hopes to move up from Hydrox cookies to Oreos by August.

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