Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

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A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

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God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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Late Night

Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress

CLEVELAND—Struggling not to openly show discomfort, family members dining with local man Louis Munson sat quietly on Sunday as Munson peered intently in the direction of Olive Garden waitress Layla Martinez. Munson, who first noticed the 23-year-old brunette as she walked past carrying another table’s pasta entrees, reportedly gazed at her for approximately 12 seconds, lingering on certain features of her anatomy while his fully aware wife, two sons, and daughter watched in silence. Though the family’s unease had largely passed by the end of the meal, sources say it was re-sparked when Munson suddenly noticed Martinez from across the restaurant bending down to tie her shoe.

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