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Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof

Honey, take a look at the ceiling. Notice how you can see the nails through the paint? That's water damage. The roof must be leaking. No, the upstairs bathroom is over the kitchen. It's definitely the roof. We need to take care of this before the drywall rots or the lights short out. Hey, you know the guy who built Sheila and Barry's old deck? You remember, the one that collapsed at their Fourth of July cookout? We should get him to fix our roof.
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Family Wealthy Enough To Have The Kind Of Refrigerator Doors That Blend Into Cabinets

MCLEAN, VA—Acknowledging they had trouble locating the appliance at first, guests of local couple Steven and Diane Bazelon reported Monday that the two are apparently wealthy enough to have the type of refrigerator that blends into the kitchen’s cabinets. “I knew Steve and Diane had some money, but when I noticed that the cupboard I was looking at was actually a fridge, I realized they were even richer than I thought,” friend and recent houseguest Sam Dockery said, noting that the refrigerator contained two neatly arranged rows of Fiji water bottles and that the kitchen had its own pretty big flat-screen TV. “Not only that, but their bathroom has a shower with one showerhead on top and two on the side, and a sink that’s just one of those big bowls resting on top of a pedestal. They’re loaded.” Dockery added that he should have known the Bazelons were that well-off when he pulled into their circular driveway.

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