adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family Wealthy Enough To Have The Kind Of Refrigerator Doors That Blend Into Cabinets

MCLEAN, VA—Acknowledging they had trouble locating the appliance at first, guests of local couple Steven and Diane Bazelon reported Monday that the two are apparently wealthy enough to have the type of refrigerator that blends into the kitchen’s cabinets. “I knew Steve and Diane had some money, but when I noticed that the cupboard I was looking at was actually a fridge, I realized they were even richer than I thought,” friend and recent houseguest Sam Dockery said, noting that the refrigerator contained two neatly arranged rows of Fiji water bottles and that the kitchen had its own pretty big flat-screen TV. “Not only that, but their bathroom has a shower with one showerhead on top and two on the side, and a sink that’s just one of those big bowls resting on top of a pedestal. They’re loaded.” Dockery added that he should have known the Bazelons were that well-off when he pulled into their circular driveway.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close