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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Family Wealthy Enough To Have The Kind Of Refrigerator Doors That Blend Into Cabinets

MCLEAN, VA—Acknowledging they had trouble locating the appliance at first, guests of local couple Steven and Diane Bazelon reported Monday that the two are apparently wealthy enough to have the type of refrigerator that blends into the kitchen’s cabinets. “I knew Steve and Diane had some money, but when I noticed that the cupboard I was looking at was actually a fridge, I realized they were even richer than I thought,” friend and recent houseguest Sam Dockery said, noting that the refrigerator contained two neatly arranged rows of Fiji water bottles and that the kitchen had its own pretty big flat-screen TV. “Not only that, but their bathroom has a shower with one showerhead on top and two on the side, and a sink that’s just one of those big bowls resting on top of a pedestal. They’re loaded.” Dockery added that he should have known the Bazelons were that well-off when he pulled into their circular driveway.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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