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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird

‘They Call Them Dinkies,’ Sources Say

HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the local family’s preferred euphemism for human genitalia is apparently the word “dinky.” “The first couple times it came up, I had no idea what they were talking about, and then suddenly it hit me: They call them dinkies,” said Murphy, explaining that his confusion began during the family’s discussion of a baseball player who had been hit just below the waist by a line drive. “I mean…dinkies. How do you get there?” Compounding his unease, Murphy said, was the fact that the youngest member of the family is 12 years old.

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